six months home


This is the face of an exhausted momma (physically, spiritually, and emotionally). 


This is the face of a little boy who is completely content in his momma's arms. He adores me, or at least the thought of me. I am sure that there are more competent, patient, loving, and qualified women out there who would love him better than I do, but God chose me. He didn't chose me because I was ready or equipped. Why did He call me to be Finn's momma? I ask myself that question on a daily basis. I am not equipped to handle the meltdowns (which are fewer and further between), the clinginess (this isn't technically a bad thing), the constant physical touch (I am not a physical touch person), the constant state of alertness of what everyone is doing or not doing (a.k.a. "tattling"), the relentless bickering with his siblings (that he mostly did not provoke), etc. I am simply not equipped. My daily, hourly, and sometimes minute-to-minute prayer cry out to the Lord is to simply get through that moment. He usually meets me where I am and calms my spirit. Sometimes he doesn't, and that is when I wonder why He chose me. 
Then I pray. Then I read His Word. Then I pray some more, and only then do I understand. God did not equip me to be a mother to this sweet boy. He IS equipping me. He called, THEN he began to equip. When I asked the question, He led me to scripture: 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." ~James 1:2-4

 "Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. ~Romans 5:1-5

Tyler and I often speak about how incredibly awkward and unworthy we feel about the sweet and kind monikers people have given us since we began the adoption process. We have been told that we are "amazing", "special", "wonderful", and what we are doing is "noble". We are none of those things. We are simply obedient. I also believe that the Lord called us, not because we are special or wonderful, but because we are very broken, and it is in our brokenness that we have no choice but to rely fully upon the Lord. Isn't that what He wants from us? As His children, He just wants us to want Him. 

So, here we are. Two broken people raising a whole gaggle of children who don't have a clue what they are doing. Two broken people who are raising a child with a traumatic past, and a special need who are terrified that they are messing everything up. Two broken people who are in desperate need of a Savior's guidance and grace, and grace for one another.

When you ask how we are doing, here is your answer: we are much better than we were, but not nearly as good as we will be. Becoming a family takes time. When you birth a child, you feel an immediate connection. Ask any parent and they will tell you the same thing. When you adopt a child, there is no connection other than words on a paper and a picture on the screen. The loving is learned. It is an action. Sometimes it's an action in the face of great struggle and resistance. It is a constant state of seeing who the Lord sees in this precious little soul who has been hurt and neglected and needs lots and lots of unconditional love. How can he have chosen us? How could have have chosen me?
Because we are his family, and I am his momma, even though I still don't feel like it.
Because, I am certain that one day we will feel like a real family.
Because we will look back one day an not be able to fathom what life would have been like without Finn.
But...
In the meantime, I chose to love, and pray, and commit myself to this daily becoming. 
Becoming a better momma. 
Becoming more faithful.
Becoming more equipped.
Becoming a more reliant daughter to the King.   

~Thank you Lord for this child for whom I prayed. Thank you for the tremendous blessing it is to be his momma. Thank you for helping me to begin to mend his broken heart and to love him as he deserves. I pray you continue to work in me, and through me, to meet his needs, and the needs of the rest of my precious family that you have so graciously entrusted to me. I pray you continue to help me see Finley as you see him, to love and adore him, to have patience FOR him, and grace extended TO him because of the undeserving grace you have for us. I pray you help me to be the mother that he needs, and that we be the family that he needs. I pray that you help bind all of our hearts together.~


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